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Sakura Shoujo Stampede - Sakura Genesis EP. 16 - 11.22.19

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  • [SHOW REVIEW] Sakura Shoujo Stampede - Sakura Genesis EP. 16 - 11.22.19

    FED: Sakura Shoujo Stampede
    FED URL:
    http://xhf09.proboards.com/board/141...houjo-stampede
    SHOW LINK:
    http://xhf09.proboards.com/thread/12...ng-spirit-show
    REVIEW REQUESTED BY: @
    SSS_JoshiPro

    The way I do show reviews, is I leave live feedback as I read through. I will give an overall opinion at the end of the review. Lets get it!


    FIRST LOOK
    Such as most forum based shows I've read recently, the text is center aligned. This can't be default can it? Left align your stuff for extra readability. Also, using colors for dialogue can hurt the reader's eyes if not chosen properly for the skin. I always suggest if you just HAVE to use colors, do it like this:

    NAME COLOR: Dialogue plain text


    INTRODUCTION
    Ok, so for dialogue we have multiple formats presented. Color, Quotations, and brackets. This is overkill.

    Kayako Kai: "(That's right folks you heard her right, 42,000 people here tonight! Thank you all for coming tonight and thank you all for watching on the XHF Network too! Tonight we have some pretty awesome matches coming up tonight too. We'll kick things off with the debut of two teams in SSS, KUROKO and a new members of The Shattered Dolls. We'll also see Fairytale Nightmares, Nixie Caine and Darlene Price duke it out with the XHF Women's Champion Hanako Takeuchi, The Goddess of Sakura Champion STRiFE and Idoru Undead!)"

    The above was an example of the multiple formatting but also leads into my next point. It doesn't feel natural. Read the above out loud and you'll hear it. Using 'tonight' in the first three sentences alone reads almost forced and robotic. I always say, type it t first time, read out loud, and edit until what you're reading feels realistic.

    EXAMPLE:
    Kayako Kai:
    That's right folks, you heard her right! Thank you to the crowd of 42,000 joining us ere and everyone watching at home on the XHF network!

    Pause for descriptive narrative such as camera panning over crowd.

    Kayako Kai: We have some pretty awesome matches coming up tonight as well. We'll kick things off with the debut of two teams in SSS, KUROKO and a new member of The Shattered Dolls.

    Maybe pause for 'on screen match preview'

    Kayako Kai: We'll also see Fairytale Nightmares, Nixie Caine and Darlene Price duke it out with the XHF Women's Champion Hanako Takeuchi, The Goddess of Sakura Champion STRiFE and Idoru Undead!


    KUROKO VS. SHATTERED DOLLS
    I feel REALLY bad for saying this, but this was TERRIBLE. I'm getting the feeling that the matches are meant to be sort summaries, but even en doing tat, you should provide something legible and written correctly. This short of "summary" there is NO reason it can't be edited to be improved. Plus, do not mix present and past tense.

    Match One: Standard Tag Team Rules; 30 Minute Time Limit
    KUROKO Vs. The Shattered Dolls


    Yumiko Kanagawa: "(We have a pretty exciting opener tonight. Tonight we see the debut of Kuroko and the newest members of the Shattered Dolls, Jezabel and Anabel.)"

    Kayako Kai: "(That's right Yumiko all four women are debuting in this buildup to Winter Festival 2019. you have to wonder if this match will help them get booked on our biggest show of the year!)"

    Karin Wholfe: "(This is the opening contest and is set for one fall! introducing first in the red corner the team of Jezebel and Anabel, the Shattered Dolls! and their opponents in the blue corner the team of Kuro-Hana and Kitsune, Kuroko!)"

    the bell rings and we start with Anabel and Kuro-Hana. both start by charging each other and going for dropkicks. they share some strikes and more dropkicks early on. Anabel would use her vicious strength and raw power to overwhelm Kuro. There'd be a tag in from the Shattered dolls with them hitting their move The Puppeteer, a full nelson/spear combo.

    a pin attempt would give them a two as the match would continue on. Kitsune would lay in on Jezebel and help mount a comeback for her team. she would hit a brutal strike combo before tagging out and hitting their devastating combo they call the KuroHono! for the win.

    Karin Wholfe: "(Your winners of this match, KuroHana!)"


    EXAMPLE WITH LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OF EDITING:

    Match One: Standard Tag Team Rules; 30 Minute Time Limit
    KUROKO Vs. The Shattered Dolls

    As the contestants make their way to the ring, we are taken to our commentator's booth.


    Yumiko Kanagawa: Tonight we see the debut of Kuroko and the newest members of the Shattered Dolls, Jezabel and Anabel in this opening match!


    Kayako Kai: That's right Yumiko! All four women are debuting in this buildup to Winter Festival 2019. You have to wonder if their performance this match will help them make their way onto the biggest show of the year!

    We head back to the ring.


    Karin Wholfe: This is the opening contest and is set for one fall! Introducing first in the red corner the team of Jezebel and Anabel, the Shattered Dolls!

    Some descriptive narrative such as raising arms to booing or cheering fans.

    Karin Wholfe: And their opponents, in the blue corner, the team of Kuro-Hana and Kitsune, Kuroko!

    Some descriptive narrative such as raising arms to booing or cheering fans.

    The bell rung, we started with Anabel and Kuro-Hana, both charging each other and going for dropkicks. As they continued, they shared some strikes and more dropkicks early on. Anabel would use her vicious strength and raw power to overwhelm Kuro.

    There'd be a tag in from the Shattered dolls with them hitting their move, a full nelson/spear combo, called 'The Puppeteer'.


    A pin attempt would give them a two as the match would continue on. Kitsune would lay in on Jezebel and help mount a comeback for her team. She would then hit a brutal strike combo before tagging out and hitting their devastating combo they call the KuroHono! for the win.


    Karin Wholfe: Your winners of this match, KuroHana!


    Not much better, but easy fixes to make it readable.


    BACKSTAGE SEGMENT
    Wasn't Karin Wholfe just announcing in the fist match? Already backstage? Placement is everything when trying to carve a natural flow. Also, now the dialogue format is different again. This time I don't even know who is saying what.

    “What’s with the gear bags? You girls are wrestling tonight? Not after last week- “




    “We know, Karin! Not after losing last week. Not after getting kicked from the tournament, Karin!”




    “Jeez, touchy subject-”




    “Can’t you take a fuckin’ hint, mate? We ain’t in the mood for your bubbly reporter shit. Now, piss off will ya?”

    They are upset at being out of a tournament but apparently have a friendly report with Karin that usually leads to hugs, but now tell er to piss off cause they are upset? I'm not feeling it. If you're heels, why would you ever be nice to Karin? If you're faces why would you be like that?


    MATCH TWO AND THREE
    A bit longer/better than match one but same critiques. If ANYTHING is improved, start sentences with a capitol letter. You'll improve by 5% doing that alone. Also, no break up between matches. A segment would have been a nice addition here


    SEGMENT
    I'm just going to leave this here.... As someone reading this for the first time, this kind of segment would turn me instantly off. This is more CD work tan belonging on a show.
    We cut to a scene of space. Outer space, ya know? The stuff with stars and planets. It's silent. Eerily so. The being known as Ultra Kira can be seen floating in the vastness of space. A few moments pass before his eyes begin to glow red. Red as the blood of his enemies. He contorts and begins to stretch, letting out a scream of anger and rage. Steam comes from his mouth as he begins mumbling something to himself. He looks around for a moment before zooming by the screen really fast.

    A moment passes as we cut to a shot of the stadium from the outside. Something crashes into the stadium. We cut to the inside of the arena and it's Ultra Kira who's now standing in the middle of the ring.

    Yumiko Kanagawa: "(Is that?)"

    Kayako Kai: "(It is! It's that weird alien guy from last year! He's another one who only comes once a year and it's about that time for him to reapear! The last time we saw him he lost to the longest reigning XHF European Champion, Dreadvan in a Kaiju Death Match!)"

    Ultra Kira opens his mouth, now a mic in hand.

    Ultra Kira: "(Almost one year ago i fought the Kaiju known as Dreadvan. We destroyed Tokyo that night, but that night i lost. That night i was beaten into a slumber i hadn't awoken from till now. But listen here you fat mother fucker! I am back! and i'm here to kill you once and for all! This time, Tokyo won't be big enough for this monumental battle of giants! NO DREADVAN! The Milkyway Galaxy! That is where i lay you to rest! That is where i challenge you to a Milkyway Galaxy Deathmatch! December 28th be there and die like a man or i'll find you at the local buffet and kill you there instead!)"

    With that, Ultra Kira leaves almost as quickly as he had came.

    Yumiko Kanagawa: "(Well it looks like we may have another match set up for Winter Festival 2019! Although i'm still not sure what the hecks going on... but we'll find out later on, for now we have more action to get to!)"



    MATCH FOUR

    No additional feedback as same as previous matches. Maybe the addition of working on grammar and punctuation.


    SEGMENT
    Still confused early by who is saying what, but probably the best written segment of the sow so far.



    MATCH FOUR

    I want to see a non summary of this match based on the following line alone:
    After some more brawling, lasers and metal robot bears running around the ring We’d see a fast paced offence from Heavymetal Borgia and Seldon


    Like the summary was probably the best on the show so far, but that warrants more. lol



    SEGMENT

    Seems like this fed and another are merging. I ope we see improvements in the new venture.



    MAIN EVENT
    Summary but longer and better, more fitting for the main event. Honestly, I'd use this as a goal to reach on all of the summary matches. This is the appropriate length and presentation.



    POST SHOW
    Don't do this. Use these for CD RPs or 'Website Exclusive' streams.

    Post show, after the fans have left we cut to find FEM back in their locker room, accompanied by the strange lady from earlier. Discussions have happened, and it seems that FEM is sold on whatever was pitched.


    ^ That alone tells us no one is seeing it, paired with the final line of the show signing off. What's the point? Waste of segment writing that could have went above somewhere.



    FINAL OPINION
    Slow down. This felt rushed and not edited properly. You need to implement a writing standard so all matches match in format and presentation. I know it's summary matches, but expand a little. Maybe focus on the big exchanges a little more? OK show base that could really improve from from simple editing prior to release.

  • #2
    thank you for reviewing our show. i had troubles that month writing it as i only had my phone to work with. I know that's no excuse but i took in some of the things said here into consideration and will work to make our upcoming one better. We'll still have centered text lol sorry it's became a habit to write it that way now. Also the way we do our dialogue to show their speaking in a different language that's not english. that's why it looks like "(this)". also sorry matches were possibly short, it's just me writing our shows and it gets tough to do allot of longer matches all the time. anyways thanks again and hope our next show is better haha.

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